Breaking News

When I was young I thought Ayodhya had the largest concentration of monkeys for historical and mythical reasons. Whe I grew older I realised it was my native town, when I came to Delhi as a young person, I had no doubt that north block was most monkey-dense place in the world (I do not intend any pun here, and mean the real monkeys). For the imbecile, North Block is the office block on nothern front of the Rashtrapathi Bhavan which has the offices of senior ministers and bureaucrats.

Going back to the issue of monkeys in my middle age now, I am very confused. I have travelled the length and breadth of the country and seen several concentration of monkeys in various parts of the country. I have also known with age that monkeys no longer come with long tails, there is an equally prevalent variant with two legs and no tail. In fact far more prevalent than the orignal version.

It was during the mental turmoil of locating the highest concentration of monkeys in India that I chanced upon my answer. It came in a flash, like Newton and the apple, or Archimides and the bath tub. It came one late night when I was surfing news channels in the mute. In a flash I had my answer. Since then I have been very happy to discover that television in India does provide unadulterated entertainment of the highest type.

If you still do not know what I mean, try watching news channel in the mute. You will be treated to the most unadulterated entertainment you have ever had.

My take: I am sure none of the Indian newscasters will be able to speak if you tied up their hands and held their heads steady at one point.

City of Shopkeepers

In a shocking incident a couple of days back, two kids were killed when police opened fire on an unruly gathering in east delhi which was protesting the sealing of shops. Police firing, 2 kids getting killed, government looking ham-handed, politicisation of shopkeepers protest: real good stuff for new hungry electronic media. Little doubt it hit the national prime time news in all channels with the rather sane and sober and efficient Chief Minister of Delhi defending her government's action. The take on national tv generally was why did the police fire, isnt the CM concerned that a 8 and a 16 year old boy were killed in the firing? Of couse she was concerned. Of course all of us were. But the footage also showed how mercilessly the mob had stone the policeman (I am no supporter of Delhi police, but it was clear that the policemen were beaten blue with stones). Also, none mentioned thought for a moment what a 8 and a 16 year old boy was doing in a shopkeepers' agitation? And more important, are our shopkeepers equally adept at hitting back at policeman as they are grabbing footpaths and fudging accounts? For the record, we had seen similar chaos in Delhi while the new CNG norms for public transport were being implemented by the government following a Supreme Court Order. For a few days things were chaotic but the government was strict [Supreme Court was sitting on their heads], and now I am proud to say Delhi has one of the least vehicular pollutions anywhere in India.
My take: Please save Delhi from becoming a city of shopkeepers.

Blog Shlog

Shlog is not a word in the english dictionary. Rhyming it with blog just make you look and feel COOL. Who does not want to be cool? There was a time, not so many years back, when people wanted to look hot. How things change!

Not to digress too much, I hear that Indian corporates are taking to blog like fist to water. Good news? No it is not good news to me personally! It feels like a large corporate is taing up the green spaces in Delhi and Mumbai. But then.. in this age of high capitalism, corporate involvement in blogs is a welcome step I guess.

But what is the charm that is bringing corporates to the "underbelly" of internet? I guess desire to connect with consumers. Corporates can not be driven by anything else! Of course, there is the added desire to create loyal communities around their product and services and a realtime feedback mechanism.

But I fear beyond these business motives, there would be OR could be a larger desire to create a knowledge community whose knowledge and IPR would be immediately avaialable to the corporates whose site you are blogging on.

This would be true especially of tech, pharma, design and other companies which suvives on ideas. And more alarmingly it is true in a country where people flout their "knowlegde" without bothering too much about who appropriates it. Also, in a country like India where there is a lot of local knowledge.

This is what looks slight frightful to me. We need to look closely at the blogging platforms that the corporates are building and must read the fine print that is there before we sign up.

But the good news is that internet being a democratic platform, everyone can share everyone's knowledge [without the narrow intention of appropriating and monetising it] AND more importanly, it means that Indian corporates are looking at Internet seriously.

But if they are looking at internet seriously, one of things that they could do to help internet penetration in the country is to open up inernet use in their offices, not put too many firewalls, not put too much restrictions on their staff on "productive surfing only". This would certianly give a boost to the number of people who actively use internet in India.

My take: Leave the green spaces on the internet for common use

Lage Raho Lalu Bhai

India's irrepresible Minsiter for Railways and former Chief Minister of the province of Bihar, known for his rustic humour and lifestyle (there were more cows in his bunglow in Patna (Capital of Bihar) than cars; honoured the formidable "manager making factory" - the Indian Institute of Management at Ahmedabad by speaking on the turnaround story of Indian Railways. There are quite a few of these "manager making" factories in India (I think 5 in all).
It is still doubtful if Mr Prasad was honoured at the opportuity or IIM (A) was honoured to have him as a Speaker. I think it was a bit of both.
This incident can be looked from various angles. Some of these are below:
1. The academic level of IIMs has come down so dramatically that Indian Railways (a paragon of failure) will soon become a case study. I think Mr Prasad should send all his senior officers to Mr Pathak who runs the cleanest public toilets in India (Sulabh Sauchalaya). For Indian Railways at time when most of the stations look, feel and smell like badly kept toilets, Mr Pathak is the right man for Mr Prasad to talk to. I think they come from the same state.

2. Railways have shown a good turn around. But none of that is because of Mr Prasad's efforts. This has been done by the previuos minister and some good officers (IRCTC is a good example of what a few officers can achieve). So why is he taking the credit? His only credit is to introduce Khullars (earthen cups) in the railways (which did not work).

3. The third take is Mr Prasad is "sanskritising" himself. That looks like a good explanation to me. Patna was different Delhi is different. And Mr Prasad knows how important it is to behave like romans in rome! In the company of such urbane and sophisticated colleagues such as Messers Sibal, Nath, Chidambaram, Patel, and others, Mr Prasad is speaking and acting Roman.

My take: Lalu was propagating the biggest management mantra at IIM (A): "Boss always takes the credit"[we will wait for Mr Prasad to talk about railway safety perhaps]

Corporate Culture

Someone called me to fix an appointment with her boss a few minutes back. She suggested 21st on the phone. I said just a moment let me check my diary. I opened my Outlook Calendar for 21st, it was a tabula rasa. I had nothing fixed for 21st. But rather than confessing to that, i played around for 3 minutes on the time slot - er morning is not good, i have a couple of meetings, not certianly evenings - i have internal meetings... and so on. Finally we fixed between 4-5.

I am sure all of you are are busier than I am, and I am sure you really do have to juggle with schedules and between who wants to meet you and whom you want to meet everyday.

But I am sure too that there is a load of attitude here as well. Are we really that busy? I think not. Then why does it take so much time and effort to fix a meeting?

I guess it has to do with two factors:

First of course, my image, brand value etc. If I am easily accessible to people, ergo I am not important. There is a very good hindi term for this Bhao Khana and this, I think permeats all level of corporate hiererchy in India [must be elsewhere, after all we are not that original and muct have copied it from the Brits or Americans].

Also, on rare occasions when we are really busy, it would be interesting to see what is keeping us busy. More often than not "we are busy with nothing". Monday morning always busy cant give time to anyone [actually every Sunday evening I get drunk so cant be in office in time]; Friday afternoon skip office early to be chill out at home: so no appointments; Thursday mornings: Boss takes stupid meetings, so cant go out of office. Wednesday lunch: office get toghther every week, need to be seen by bosses as a man of masses. So on and on and on.

If this is not enough, there is always the "solid" reason for travelling. Let us deconstruct travelling a bit with an example: Recently, I attended a conference sponsored by a big MNC brand [they had not role in the conference except to pay the money and get their brand ambassador to speak]. At the last count I spotted 6 senior executives from that company present at the confernce [all of them were travelling to the conference, and were not in their offices for the duration of the conference!]. My suggestion, please stop pretending to be busy,take a serious look at what is keeping you busy.

The second reason could be more objective and scientific: Conflict between who wants to meet me and whom I want to meet. There is always a mismatch, I would like to meet the CEO of the company to get busines while the marketing manager of the compamy wants to meet me to for a job. This is an old struggle and example can be multiplied ad infinitum. My sincere advice, find time to meet both and both of them may bring value to your business/life.

My Take: Stop basking in self importance. Your presence is not necessary, and what u can do for me many others can do too. I am just giving you an opportunity by seeking to meet you.

Bundled Software

Do not be alarmed, I do not intend to take on Microsoft with this post. I simply like microsoft and think by and large they are doing a good job and given some time they will do better.
This is about a much simpler thing really. Not so simple! But what the heck!

I am an avid late night TV watcher (programmes are more interesting as you will soon see why, there are no sas bahu serials at that time [bahus have all gone to sleep by then to be up early morning to make parathans for their adoring and diamond ring giving husbands]; and more importantly this is my sleep replacement therapy and thought time.

Since a few nights I have been watching a TV channel called Zee Music. It is an entertainment channel (the other two genre of channels in India being News and Serials, there is no fourth type [not incuding "phoren channels such as Discovery and NatGeo]. Zee Music is a reasonably good channel for entertainement [Movie clips, reviews, songs, all administered by skimpily clad hostesses [although you have to bear with Komal Nahata from time to time].

It was not one of the songs or one of the pretty hostesses which attracted my attention. It was Malaika Arora that drew my attention. I am yet to meet a man whose attention she does not draw!. But it was not her that drew my attention, really [I swear, i am telling you the truth].

Between the numerous songs and dances, there is an interesting filler called "Eye Candy". And you guessed it, it a all about Ms Arora, displaying her wealth [these clips runs for a few minutes showing her in the bath tub, or frolicking around in hotpants etc] Damned good and certainly more than just eye balls for the channel.

But even this did not attract my attention {I again swear I am telling you the truth}

So what did? OK here it is. Eye Candy showing Malaika Arora in various stages of undress. These clips also have a sponsor: a popular cocunut hair oil. Interesting business model to get fillers too sponsored. But what is even more interesting is that the model for this hair oil [and no prizes for guessing] is Malaika Arora.

Here at last is a marketing head who thinks [aslo envisons]

My take: This is what I called bundled software! Bill Gates Take Note, please,

Seriously Stupid

Let me be seriously stupid this time. I am tired of acting and being wise all the time.

Are you one of those who suffers from a modern afflication called mobile menace? if you are serioisly mentally challenged not to know what I mean, you do not need to or you are one of the lucky ones who does not own a mobile phone.

Coming to the point I am making, no a Sunday (or even a weekday) does not go by when I do not curse some of the biggest and shall i say the best businesses in India. And since I know many of these CEOs by name and reputation I curse them by name. The culprits are typically my mobile phone service provider (AirTel), ICICI Bank some insurance companies etc. My curse goes like this: My airtel subscription does not entitle Airtel to subject me to stupid calls (I am calling from Airtel, sir, do you want to change to post paid: My answer: Darling if you are calling from AirTel you should know I changed to post paid four months ago, then under my breath: Thanks for calling darling, please make the next call to Mr Sunil Mittal!). Exactly the same call and same response to ICICI credit cards (I have a card for a year[i had it just to get rid of such calls, but that did not help!], ending with under my breath: Thank you darling can you make the next call to Mr Kamath or one of those formidable ladies at ICICI.

Mind you I am a not for a minute averse to the idea of mobile marketing/selling. But it is the brainless way in which it is done which irks me. Seriously, i do not mind if a good marketeer calls me on Sunday afternoon and engages me cleverly [a good coversation is still at a premier in this country on the mobile or face2face]. But no, it has to be something stupid, or something I already have, or something i will never need.

Why cant we make it more intelligent. But how do we do it? If I knew the answer, I would probably be the CMO (that's chief marketing officer for you) at a large company. But what the heck, this is a blog and I am free to come up with any suggestions!

1. Please do some homework on the data that u have stolen or bought or some DSA offers you.

2. Do not go by the numbers (do not be impressed by me if I offer you 2Lakhs mobile numbers in Delhi and Mumbai (ask questions such as do you have a profile behind these numbers?

3. Reduce the numbers to one tenth (out of 2 lakhs pick up only 20K

4. Ask DSA to call each of these numbers and offer a 25 Rs top up if pre paid OR a 30 Rs download free (please stick to your promise) and then say Sir/ Madam: would you please listen to me and get this reward.

5. i am sure it would be more rewarding for both the seller and the consumer

6. Over a period of time you would be able to build up a database of people who would be anxiusly waiting for your call (to top up their accouts and pass on the good word about your products)

7. Please remember, just because I stay in Delhi does not mean I speak Hindi

Please do not steal my ideas, think something of your own.

My take: Most marketing heads do not think, they just follow other marketing heads

Bragging at BlogCamp

The recent blogcamp at Chennai turned out to be quite an exciting "unconference" that the organisers stylishly and shall I say rebelliously called it.

There was nothing rebellious about the blogcamp. To begin with it was very well organised, quite well structured, sponsored by big names such as Yahoo! India and Nokia (you cannot get more mainstream than that). More interestingly, "successful bloggers" elicited the loudest claps (as in a conference). Sunil Gavaskar was charming and not at all out of place in a place where I an under 40 thought mydself to be the oldest living being around!

Like elsewhere, the parallel track two was more interesting which was dedicated to the tools and rules of the game.

I was happy to observe some of the sharperst and keenest young and not so young minds in India are clearly dedicating some of their time (in this age when time is really money) and knowledge to a public good. Most of the participants, I found out held lucrative jobs or were students at premier institutions (one step away from lucrative jobs!).

My greatest discovery at the camp was however a book called India Smiles. Sulekha.com one of India's largest online properties ran an online contest on humourous stories, the best entries comprise this book. It is brilliant! there is no other word to describe. Each story is worth a read. The book is published by penguin and costs 135 rupees. Sadly, however, the book included in the "unconference kit" (there was also a delegate kit, if can not get more conferency than that!) reminded me of the still unchallenged power of the print media!

Let's have more of these camps!

My take: Who is a rebel? One who challenges a system to claim a his/her place in the system and then perpetrate it!

Mobile and Murder

I am comfortably seated in the Klipper Bar at the Mumbai airport. It would have been very comfortable if it was not a "dry day" on account of Visarjan of Ganesha. I will bear this inconvenience with a smile.

But just heard over the Star News someting that is a fitting epilogue to the earlier post!
What would you do if you suspected a fellow student of stealing your sister's mobile phone? Come now this is less sinster a design on your sister that a fellow footballer had on Zidane's sister, surely.

I guess most of us would (if we were strong enough) accost the suspected thief and sternly ask him to return the phone ..... otherwise.... . If we were a bit timid, we would complain to the teacher, if we were very shy but clever, we would run a quiet campaign in the school... if we were extra sensitive, we would blame our sister for being negligent with her phone!

Hold it, hold it! Did i forget to mention that you are only 14 years of age and in class eight. In which case some of the options that I mentioned may not be avialble to you.

Here is a serious sister loving, criminal hating kid... When he suspected his fellow student, mind you suspected, of pinching his sister's mobile what does he do? He kills the boy! Charming, isn't it?

So is there any doubt in your mind that by the time he is in college, he would be a potential successor to those who are currently accused of killing their professor in another part of India.

Yes, no prizes for guessing, this news is from the national capital of Delhi.

My suggestion:

Like MMR, Polio, etc. etc. are given to children at an early age to keep them alive from marauding viruses and bacteria; every children above 10 needs to compulsorily consult a shrink and his/her profile be maintained. This would make at least the parents aware of where they have gone right and where they have gone wrong and where to put that check. So that when your child on growing up kills, maims, rapes, you will not say "but he/she was not like that"!

Cut the crap, parents, invest time and not money on your kids and teach them to be good human beings.

Students' and Teachers!

Students have run amok in India or shall I say Bharat. One group even killing even a teacher. This was a serious incident. But the trouble over use of mobile phones, students ransacking a principal's residence, and other such incidents were all done in front of TV cameras. In fact one of the young female protestors in Chandigarh (over use of mobile phones) instead of getting arrested for disturbing public peace and other such late 19th century Acts, has been "spotted" by a filmmaker for his next big hit! Agitation, especially when u are a female students does make your career in a way colleages can not!.

Of course, for those who do not want to start their political career in the dusty badlands of Bihar and UP or the Bomb infested naxalite infested, or the poverty infested, or the communaly supercharged areas of the country (categories which cover most of the country), can start from the easier but more visible and comfortable bastions like Delhi University OR JNU. All it takes to make a political mark is Talking, socialising, taking people out for chai, fixing small problems of students and bunking classes. Of course, calling some political bosses for various political and non political dos at the innumerable Talk Shops of the university helps!

It also helps immensely if you are a female student. One reason why left parties have done so well historically in JNU is that because of their "progressive" nature they have been able to field a steady stream of female candidates. Of course the other parties of the right and the centre have already picked up this trait and the results are for all to see. I do not know why it helps to be a woman. But usually the practce is that just before the elections the woman candidate, appropriately accompanied by men compatriots are taken on rounds in all the men's hostels in DU and JNU. This seems to be doing the trick. Men apparently get bowled over just by the virtue of the fact that the candidate has come calling to his/their room! This in a country where people are not surprised to discover hundreds of female foetuses in a well one fine morning.

The lesson for the woman is that there is an entry barrier! If you are allowed to born and suffer for the first 20 years of your life, there are major benefits waiting. Not surprising, laws of scarcitiy starts to take effect! Before that, you have to withstand lound and silent violence!

Talking of violence, students' violence is nothing new to the world and no it did not begin in India during the so called naxalite period in Calcutta or during the JP movement in Bihar or as a fall out of mandal commission implementation.

Would you believe, it is well documented by Phillipe Aries, young school students in France in the 16th and 17th centuries came attended classes fully armed with swords etc? And history tells us that they did not hesitate to use these arms against fellow students as well as teachers!!!!

What about the teachers? Have been taught by some great ones. But...... suffice it to say that I donot know of any teacher who first commits social crime of offering private tuition at a cost (for teaching what s/he should have taught in school for the salary s/he gets) and then compounding the crime by committing the real criminal act of not paying taxes on the income which is ofen 5 times the salary.