What is news?

I had put this question to a senior journalist friend of mine and straightforward that he is, he replied with an analogy: "in Mumbai millions travel by local trains everyday most of them start on time and reach back on time, that never becmes news. But if one of them falls from a train and dies, that is news". I must admit, given the brilliant analogy even a child could have understood what news was. And I must admit that unlike other journalists facing the question, my friend had not callously replied "whatever the masses like is news". Nonetheless, i was no more wiser after his reply.

But as they say, there are people who learn from others' experiences and there are fools who learn from their own eperiences. This is how I realised what news was through my own experience.

Just read in the newspaper the other day that Kingfisher Airlines had to part with 15 crores on account of misuse of online payments for tickets. It is a lot of money for an airline that is true to its colours still in red. This unfortunate news was not uncommon among other airlines too. Hence it was newsworthy. Of course, everyone is interested in online payment frauds, online gambling, online pornography and etc. So all the more reason to highlight the darker side of human behaviour.

But the fact that the same airlines in an offline card swipe charged me twice for the same ticket will never become news. Money involved was small, it does not highlight darker side of human character [it was a mere clerical mistake] so it is not newworthy.

That's how I learned what was news.

I stand no chance of recovering my 4,500 Rs from an airline which has paid 15 crores on account of false online transactions. My bad luck

Schools, Ur baby and U

If you are a parent of a 3 year old and jostling, fretting and fuming to get your child into a "good school" in Delhi, it would be useful to read one particular chapter in the famous book by Steven Levitt "Freakonomics".... At least it will keep you from being hassled too much. The central thesis of the chapter is whatever you had to give in terms of genes and social environment you have already given to your child by the time she is born... rest is left to her peer group...

The first premise should obviously desist you from "traning" your child for those nasty intereviews where exceptionally nasty teachers ask equally nasty questions to your toddler and the godlike saviour high court of Delhi religiously asks those nasty teachers every year not to ask those nasty questions [I wonder why the same court allows a rape victim to be asked details about the incident in full view of packed courts, is a three year old in the presence of parents more vulnerable than a rape victim under cross examination? But I digress]

The second premise will reiterate the need to put your child in the right schools. Here is where you need to do your homework well based on your imagination of the future of the child. The problem is really yours and your expectations from your child and what she is going to be in future.

Here is a guide to select schools in Delhi: a) Noveau rich b) Rich but Shy to confess c) we make them wizards or idiots the risk is yours d) we do not sell our brand but provide wholesome education d) we are there just because of our brand and alumni. Go to the market with this criteria and u will make the right choice.

Please remember the interviews are not as bad in some schools and they really interview you and how you want to bring up your child. You should at least know that......

Cheers

TV 2.0! Oh Ho

Have you heard of web 2.0? I am sure you have. If you have not, let me explain: broadly speaking this is the version of web, opposed to web 1.o where the users put the content. It is the user generated content. Easy, eh? provide a platform and watch the fun... Whereas in the first version you had to provide the platform as well as the content.
In this version what content are people adding? it could be anything really, but self expression in terms of blogs, podcasts, videos, groups etc etc are the man constituents.

It is expected with some justifiable and some way out expectations that such sites, driven by the primordial urge among men and women to be seen and heard, are set to rock... and ring in the cash soon... Be that as it may [or may not in the future] the purspose of this blog is not to expound the virtues and vices of web2.0.

It is to bring to your notice TV 2.0 [not to be mixed with TV 18 the famous TV company in India and by the name of it very futuristic too having gone upto 18 while we are still in version 2.0]

While the internet guys have been talking from rooftops about web2.0, TV 2.0 have slowly and securely cropped into our living rooms and is actually rocking.... Quite literally rocking all over the screen in all shapes and sizes.... Yes From Naach Baliye 2 to Jhalak Dikla Ja to MOMMY's Boogey Woogey to probably many more in the future. Not to forget the ever green The Great Indian Laughter Challenge Dwitiya [Second].
It all began really in poor taste many years back, kids dressed up in adult clothes, mouthing adult songs and gyrating like adults in Boogey Woogey.. It took some time to catch on and now it as spread like wild fire.... Every celebrity (?), every yongster, every mom and dad wants to dance on TV. TV companies are drawing new crowds and new ideas [inspirations from more foreign shows] coming up every day.
We now have several dance shows, several laughter shows and several, one reality show [Big Boss, the original english version had i think a it of sex too, this one in the true Indian tradition, only titilates without the real thing]....

TV has rediscovered itself folks... while the internet guys are still debating the relative virtues of web1.0 and web 2.0... By the time the debate is over, TV will reach version 18.....

Hair Raising

Read a news item recently and it was quite hair-raising.
According to reaserchers [they do have a lot of money these days for such fancy researches]; female lions do not prefer [for mating purposes] male lions with full grown manes. Surprising isn't it? One would think the full maned lion symbolised virility and manliness to the extreme. But not so, according to the research.... lions with full grown, lush manes are actually past their prime and lionesses know this and prefer ones without fully grown manes....

Frankly, it is one of those stunning pieces of information that one can actually live without... publicly but privately sets you thinking isn't it.. Unless of course due to some freak of evolution lionesses are looking for younger and younger lions to perfect their offsprings and ensure their survival in an increasingly hostile environment!

For me the research was a personal debacle.... A few months back I noticed a healthy growth of hair on my ears and also noted that the hair inside the nose was getting denser... There was also more that usual sprouting on the hands and the legs. I justifiably got the impression that my day had come... I was on my way to ultimate manhood and of course weaving a couple of fantasies around some stunning women...

But that was before I read this innocuous piece of report tucked away in an obsecure corner of a newspaper... Since then my fantasies fuelled by the growth of hair has fallen flat on the ground.. What I thoughtto be the arrival of ultimate manhood was really the beginning of my middle age.... I am now a lion with a full mane... all dressed up and nowhere to go... This can be really depressing....

Fools pay for ads...

Fools pay for advertisement, brand promotions etc; wise men partner with the government. Do not tell me you do not know this already. If you really do not know this adage you are naive and have not been around and done this.
The longest known case is that of one professor Arora whose business I presume was something akin to the marraige portals currently very popular in India. No no I am joking, he was an old world marriage fixer. There was a time in not so distant future when the all the railway boundary walls beyond the tracks in large swathe of area from Aligarh to Mughalsarai were marked "Rishte hi Rishte: Mil to Ley - Professor Arora (tel number).." [Lots and lots of proposals, just meet prof arora].
I have a feeling that these ads are still there are they continue to get brisk business for Prof Arora or is sons and all that the old man spends on them are on the cheap paint and cheap painter.....
Nearer home, one gentleman is doing brisk business by painting the walls with "Beanbags" I assume he is paying to the owners of those walls..... {do you think he is?}
What can our political leaders say? Most of them who grew up through the ranks have some experience of soiling their hands and other people's walls {free of cost} during every large and small elections.
When the walls started getting crowded or when building owners started demanding money there was a subtle shift and upwardly movement. If you are in Delhi look up the electricity posts {Delhi is the only metro in India where most of the supply wires are overhead and hence there is not dearth of electricity posts}. hanging from three quarters from the top would be a thick mass of plastic ropes, literally hundreds of them in each post, like orchids on a large tree.... You will wonder what are these? Let me tell u they represent a perpetual fight between MCD officials and those who think it is there right to advertise their chaddis, banians and hawai chappals and speacial sales free of cost on government property. These are threads with which self made ad gurus tie banners on posts across major roads in Delhi. What you see is MSD's relentless attempt to cut off the banners and leave the plastic strips behind.... It is like fighting parthenium in your neighbourhood, more you cut more they grow.
Now I think they have become stricter and our ad gurus have moved to greener pastures... Opportunity was created in Delhi in the 1980s with terrorism looming large and elsewhere in the 1990s when terrorism caught up with other cities {Delhi has always been a flagbearer!!!}.
What is the link between terrorism and free ads? None you would say. That would only show how little you know about the ad world....
With the proliferation of terrorism Delhi and other major cities went for red alerts and checks on roads... nakaband! This required large number of movable iron barricades... Here was a great opportunity for free advertisement.... Police being a state subject they are always short on money even in Delhi... so up came the enterpriseing ad man and pinted all the barricades with various things from hawai chappals to silk sarees [Police Check, Stop! was perfunctorily added to the top part of these barricades]. Over time, we had such interesting spaces as Police Station hordings for up for sale. The cost of occupying these prime outdoor spots??? Next to none, you just paid for the barricade.. or the temporary road divider...
Over the years these, what I call public service ads, have come to proliferate Housing societies [Alankar Jewellers Palm Court Housing Society]; Society Gates [ICICI Lombard, no vendors inside] and so on.
And there you are still paying large amounts of money to get your brand a place under the sun....

Free Market India

Many years back, Euromoney group used to publish the "Doing Business" series. I had the pleasure of looking at "Doing Business in India's" first edition. It was a very well researched piece and therefore very useful for any foreign investor. But no sooner had I reached the second page of the volume, I realised that the blokes at Euromoney had no idea about doing business in India. Later, my doubts about the veracity of such resports were confirmed when I returned to Delhi with the purpose of making it my home.

You have to be here for sometime to understand how business is conducted in India and by business I mean small time and now big time retailing: Walmarts of the world please take note how Indian shopkeepers get their competitive edge:
1. Start a shop in the location of your choice do not bother about regulations, there are none. Rent if at all any will be dirt cheap because the owner of the building too follows your business practices and has few overhead costs
1a. Power is free, you just have to buy a wire to tap it
1b. Save floor space by asking staff to pee on roads, park in the adjoining galis and keep the dustbin outside the shop and litter the area all around it
1c. The nearest empty space is to cater to your future expansion plans so please do not hesitate to use it should u need it
2. Draw other likeminded shopkeepers to the locality: strength and legitimacy lies in numbers [after all we are a democracy]
3. After sufficient numbers have set up shop, the area becomes a shopping complex of a market or bazar. More shopekeepers and clients get drawn to it, you become a constituency and garner political support.
4. Mark up as much as you want, people have a lot of money these days
5. Of course, you would be staying in a posh locality no where near this market that u have helped create
6. of course you will send your children to good schools, hoping that they will become cleverer than you and manage the business better
7. Strength lies in numbers (all of you are voters and consituency), local law enforcers are dependent on you for various supplements: from free tea to free lacoste tees.
8. Once in a while an old fogey of a judge will say some unpleasant truths and by the power of his office create some trouble with you. Do not fear... you can use a lot of ruse to save your skin. here are some:
a) We are poor people and hence we are being tortured (Oh really? That Honda Accord parked outside your shop is not a customer's
b) This is a democracy and noone can stop our right to earn (Yeah! U have taken away my right to live in the neighbourhood)
c) How will we send our children to school (Think of what those chidren will think of you when they grow up and find out that you were a thief and had set up illegally)
e) Government has not made adequate number of shops for us (Brother, are u living in middle ages? your industrialist cousins are crying themselves hoarse asking the government to get out of everything except governance)
Judges are of course human beings too.... they will soften up and will leave most of you free to carry on your honourable task of screwing up more areas... Jai Bharat.

Flying High

If newpaper reports are to be believed, millions of people are abandoning Indian Railways and travelling by planes. I know Indians had arrived a long time back but now it seems they are arriving fast as well.
Good news for all airlines. With one exception and one with fudged accounts all of them are making losses and if the trend continues, most of them will become public service carriers. I am of course not qualified to comment on the business plans of the airlines companies [although one of them has billed me twice for the same ticket and is refusing a refund and this could prove to be a very profitable new line of business for this airline. Surprisingly, this did not happen on an online purchase which is what people fear most, but across the counter with a physical card swipe. Anyway, I digress]

My views are C2C. heard of that before? No? Which world do you live in mon ami? This is customer to customer. I share my experience with you so that u do not get taken for a ride. That's the hottest thing on the net now... So welcome to the world of C2C and here is my straight take on the various airlines crisscrossing the Indian skies: This are of course personal views culled from personal experience and not meant to influence any users [with this I self exempt myself from any libel: one of them billed me twice and if another one slaps a case against me, I will have no option but to become a Shankaracharya and walk around the country, hence the disclaimer].

So here it goes: First Indian [they have gottend rid of the extra fat in the form of Airlines that they earlier had, it's like a reverse boob job to look younger]. I know what you are thinking: those airhostesses, right? I fly Indian because of those airhostesses and I recomend you to do that as well. They are damned efficient, one of them held my three month old baby for 40 minutes on a Mumbai Delhi flight and relieved my wife who was travelling alone to catch up with her lunch. At the end of the day [please do not take it literally], if there is a mishap i would trust my life with experience rather than ... you know what.

Jet Airways: Pioneer among the private operators. Highly skilled and evolved animal especially with pricing. You would always get the right flight with the wrong price or vice versa. One great thing I admire: the napkins are real and they have a button hole so that men can hang it from their top button.

Kingfisher: Good visuals inside the plane [ I do not only mean the TV screens with every seat, but that's great as well] It has style and competitive pricing

Go Air: Good cost and professional service [or lack of it] I like it, no fuss over food buy a packet or don't buy it.

I havent flown Deccan, Spice and Indogo I am mustering courage to do so... Sahara has been around for a long time, but I havent flown it as yet. Probably next time I go to Kolkata.....

Just an idea for the low cost carriers: The curent slogan is second class comparative prices. This should change to the below:

Full service: Cost 6,0000
Low Cost: Airfare: 3500 same seat, same plane, same time, why pay 2500 for crap food!!
This will encourage reverse flow from full service airlines

Cheers

"Nazar" Pendant

When I was 2 years old my grandmother, too proud of her "fat" and not so dark youngest grandson, did what most grandmothers blinded with affection do: Introduced me the the world of "black magic". She bought a black nazar thread and tied it around my waist. You do not get these threads any more, but it was a neat peice of craftmanship and was looped in a way that it could easily adjust to my pre and post lunch tummy. Of course, the challenge was to hold it in place while my grandmother soaped and scrubbed me [that was the only piece of "textile" I was allowed to wear while bathing!]

Soon I discovered that many others kids in my neighbourood wore the same thread around their waist and in fact there was a street hawker who sold them by the bunches everyday.

I guess, in the late sixties and early years of seventies when India Inc was not doing too well in terms of food security, infant mortality, politics, social tensions etc., as a post-partition migrant from the east who had lost it all once, my gradmother found the usual way to protect her grandson from the evil eye.

Just a small digression: this was in small town Bihar and believe you me, those were the best days for urban Bihar. the roads were cleaned everyday, 24x7 electricity supply ensured that generators were not known in these parts, you could get the fish of your choice in the market, you could drink Coke and Fanta during movie intervals and my mother did once walk down the streets in her skirt and top without anyone batting an eyelid [my father had in a state of suspended judgement bought it for her on his first trip to Mumbai]

Be that as it may, I grew up to be a pretty decent boy and was now under the direction of my working mother as the first born, only son. She decided that I needed something stronger to keep me away from the evil spirit. I was therefore quickly taken to a local pir [my family was non denominational and subscribed to any god or pir that seem to work in our favour, a trait my ancestors carried from their hoary past in the syncrestic swamp lands of east bengal]. The pir wrote something on a piece of paper shoved it inside an amulet, sealed the opening of the amulet with wax and tied it across on my left arm with a black thread. The pir happened to be a relative of my mother's 'daftari' at the local court, so the service and the product were supplied free of cost. So up came the amulet on my arm and on the second day down it went with a longer black thread to my waist [Even at that age I knew better than to wear my attitude (amulet) on my sleeve (left arm)]

Long gone are the days of hawkers selling black loops, you would not find then even in rural Bihar; Pirs too do not dispense amulets free of cost and in any case most of them have other pressing duties to the Almighty. One would think in the natural progression of civilization they lost out on their roles. And why not? with India Inc going great guns, India exporting food along side software codes, life looking up for the average Indians; no one seems to be in the need of the insignificant nazar thread or amulet. In any case, those whose stars are acting funny could always go to an overpriced jeweller consult an over priced astrologer and buy an over priced stone.

So since my daughter's birth in 2001 I have been looking quite desperately for a low cost solution to the problem of nazar [evil eye] without luck till recently. It was only the other day that I seem to have been directed to the solution.

Again, as in many critical insights of life, late night TV came to my help. Yes, one night, sitting under the faux chandelier in front of my TV, I attained the ultimate knowledge. There was an half an hour advertorial on a channel, talking about the ill effects of evil eye on children and adults and advising me to buy a Nazar Pendant. So the little street hawker and the poor pir were back in a new avatar of a mighty TV channel - Wow! and also selling for a change exactly what I was looking for. I discovered more: now you do not have to wander from ashram to ashram in hardwar or rudraprayag or badrinath to look for that one mouthed [holed] rudraksha, if you know which channel to watch. This was great news and for such services alone, TV should be rated "Public Serivce Media" just as newspapers are.

Much enlighted from the experience I walked to Tanishq next morning and bought a 10 gram gold biscuit for my daughter, my second gesture of securing her future.... [the first one was of course sending her to a good play school]

Sonagachi and Seduction

Let me contextalise. Sonagachi is one of the largest Red Light areas in Kolkata (in fact in Asia). There are quite a few of them, but I had heard from people who know that Sonagachi is the best. Two others are harkata [near my alma mater: Presidency College] and Kalighat [near the famous Kali temple]. As a young student in Kolkata in late 1980s, I had noticed three things about these three places:
1. there are several middle class dwelling houses in, I mean in Sonagachi and they have a sign in Bengali on the front door "Grihastho Bari: Janasadharaner Probesh Nishedh"[Domestic Dwelling: No Entry for Public"]. These dwellings have been there as long as Sonagachi has been there. One has not mixed with the other!
2. The devotees at Kalighat and the customers at the nearby area did not get mixed up with each other [I am sure there was a small set of common patrons!]
3. The one at Harkata [Cut bone] was 200 metres from the entrance to the Calcutta University's venerable buildings and 250 metres from the main entrance of the Presidency College. But interestingly none of the day scholars I knew [they were by far the majority] knew where harkata was. Of course, my knowledge stemmed from the collective adventurous spirit of generations of adventurous presidency colege students who boarded at the famous Hindu Hostel.

By the way: Soliciting was illegal then as now, but the barabanitas of the three places carried out their trade quite openly. Also, those who did not know or where not bothered with the existence of these places were not in anyway prevented from knowing about these places [no law stopped them nor was any moderation done to their behaviour] It was a part of ecology. Law could not prevent the trade in as much as moderation or control was not neessary to determine the behaviour of people who lived, worked or studied nearby.

I am not giving you this example from my past life to titilate you. But to draw attenntion to the similarities that the case has with the discourse on internet and the need for moderation, need for law etc etc.

My take: Sonagachi, Kalighat and Harkata have flourished for a 100 years in spite of 100 year old laws to prevent them. For hundreds of years, devotees at Kalighat temple, or ordinary dwellers at Sonagachi or Students at Presidency college and Calcutta University have remained untouched by their existence.

Can we not see the parallels with Internet here? I can see it, if you can't you are either blind or Stupid!

Double Whammy

Yesterday Daily News and Analysis (Broadsheet published from Mumbai) carried an interesting news on the front page. Australian employees of a bank refuse to train Indians who would be replacing the locals after an outsourcing deal.

Sounds like another cry against outsourcing now from another part of the world? Give me a break. I mean jobs going to Indians is one thing, but training someone who is going to take away your job three months later.... sounds weird. And if these guys are not already trained and much better than the people they are replacing, why is the company outsourcing its services to them? Because they come cheap [never mind the quality!]

But this is not my story today. My story is more sinister and would blow the heads of many who are rabidly anti-outsourcing, anti immigration etc etc.

The old trend in India has been bridegrooms settled abroad get the best brides! The definition of best those days were moderately educated, extremely good looking, wealthy family etc. But the definition of best is chaging as the global landscapes is filled with footloose fancy free Indian professionals. Increasingly, best brides are being defined by professional qualification: never mind the looks. And these brides too are not like yesterday's happy making rotis at home or at most sitting at supermarket check outs. They are well qualified [sometimes more than their husbands] and looking for a career.

My fear is that this gang in the next five years is going to be a formidable force. And, the "guest country" would have to increasingly provide them with higher and higher jobs. So it will not a single "geek" or banker looking a a job but two of them actually.

I already know a couple of friends who have married Indians abroad and are more qualified than their husbands. At present they are lying low, understating their qualifications and working at sweatshops. But soon, once they have learned the ropes they will let themselves loose and demand their pound of flesh [paneer for the vegetarians]. Till then watch the space...

I wonder how the feminists of developed economists will treat these Indian "brides"....

Writer's Block

Insomnia is a great advantage for those who "suffer" from it. It means you get extra four to five hours a day [night]
to think. In several of those thinking hours, I have thought of writing novels for a living. Please do not laugh, I have written a book and co-authored another and both are publised by well-known publishers. So my thinking is not exactly kite flying.

And, at the end of the day writing a novel can not be that difficult, all you need a plot at the centre of several plots played out by some normal and abnormal characters: just as you see in real life, albeit with a lot of embellishments. At my age I have seen too many real plots unfolding and folding up in real life...

I also have a fairly good command of English [in any case once you have put together the skeleton of the book, smart editors do the rest]

What is a novel after all? a piece of life, a slice of our day to day existence: joys, pains, successes, failures, love, hate: A nice concoction of emotions.

Mind you it can be darn profitable too. Most successful novelists earn much more than ordinary salaried persons, get huge advance payments in "foreign exchange" and also get to go to fancy parties and are elegible to wear whatever they fancy at work. They also do not to have to commute to work leaving behind their kids with ayahs. And of course, "bitching" is not a crime but a part of the job description.

Little wonder therefore that I have toyed with the idea of become a novelist, a professional novelist, i mean and take by moral, physical, metaphysical and most important, fianacial life to a higher plane.

I have gone even as far as thinking a title, charting out a plot and even open a new word document to start the first line. The first line is important, in fact very important [remember the first line of lolita? Lolita would not be lolita without the first line]. Once you have the right first line, it's easy as breeze!

But I must confess, in spite of the desire, ability and the driving forces, I have never been able to write the first line of a novel. And, as i grow older, the chances are getting dimmer.

No no, please do not get me wrong: It is not because of my day job which keeps me in office till long. Nor is a the fact that I live alone and have to do my household chores, Nor is it because of any other reason. Believe you me I have all the reasons and skills and knowledge to write a novel.

As a non-starter novelist, I have spent long hours on why people do not write novels [or long stories]. Certainly, we have no dearth of literate and thinking people in our country.

After thinking long and hard, I have reached my conclusions: Most people do not write novels because facts are stranger than fiction. All of us know facts that are much stranger than fiction and it requires an inhuman capability to either fictionalise facts or turn fiction into fact. So all potential novelists like me are faced with this situation: What you can write is not even one third of what you know and what you know is not good, safe, sane, enough to write.

My take: For every successful novelist there are at least a thousand who could have written a much better novel of they have had the courage to jot down that proverbial first line.

keep trying folks..... the greatest novelist is one who writes what she experiences in life!

Maximum City

Mumbai has had many epithets. The lastest one and also the the title of a brick sized novel (fiction or non-fiction not known), is the Maximum City. Even without reading the novel, you will know why it is so called. All you have to do is to spend six months in the city.
It is a great place to live (mind you, I am not a Mumbaikar hence my assessment is not biased).
1. people on the street actually guide you to your location
2. Cabbies do not normally cheat
3. Local municipal body actually works (whatever the critics say)
4. There is constant supply of electricity and it is of good quality (It is the only city in India, apart from Kolkata, where you do not have to buy a UPS with your PC or a voltage stabiliser with your fridge).
5. Water supply is sufficient (whatever the ciritcs say)
6. Jobs are aplenty
7. People have a "professional' approach to their work from the bais to the bhais everybody is a professional
8. people are socially and politically conscious
9. Petty crime is low including crime on women
The list can go on......

I have started liking this city (I do not know of any other city anywhere in the world and not certainly in India where booze is home delivered!).

Just a few points of caution to the citizens (I am still an alien)
1. Your fourth floor window is for the breeze to come in and not the exit point for garbage and used STs and hair to the coutyard below
2. Filmstars wear "work clothes" while shooting for films: Please do not wear them to your place of work
3. The BMC did not re-lay the pavement with fancy tiles so that you could extend your shop
4. There are no vegetarian Chinese, Mexican, Italian meals. People selling them are taking you for a ride
5. This is not the last weekend in your life, and it won't harm you if you stayed indoors this weekend. It is not compulsory to visit a mall on the weekend, you can read a book at home
6. And please do not blame the traffic if you are late (you started late!)
7. Finally, you need good schools for kids. At least the number of good schools should be more than the number of malls

Cheers!

Game for Gandhigiri?

Yes of course, I refer to the recent resurrection of Mahatma Gandhi through the rather dubious route of a Hindi movie, whose lead actor's brain to brawn ration is 10:90 and who, according to some, started by troubling his parents, then wife and finally the government with his villainous ways. But to be fair to him, he is the right person to espouse "gandhigiri" loosely translated "gandhi's way". For starters: both he and the original mahatma were traumatised at a younger age [for different reasons though]

Gandhiji was traumatised with what happened to him in South Africa [not only being thrown out of the train, but also the caste and communal rift that he had witnessed there among the Indian community. On his return to India he had the shock of his life looking at the then Congress leaders, who were more Brit than the brits themselves [very well captured in the movie Gandhi] . He was also traumatised by the brutal attacks on innocents especially at Jalianwala Bagh.

Our more recent hero too was traumatised early in his life: famous parents, drugs, untimely deaths of mother and wife and simply trying to live upto his macho image were some of the causes. Who better than him to resurrect the Mahatma?

So far so good. But which Gandhi are they we to resurrect?

Gandhi the suit-clad barrister? Gandhi the non-violent, half naked fakir? Or Gandhi the ultimate MAN?

Getting confused? I will explain.
The first Gandhi was what can be best described as an ideal native! Good family, well educated and trained for the most sought after imperial profession: Lawyer!. There were many aspirants for this Gandhi at that time and many more perhaps now [though for empire you have to read USA for contemporary aspirants and for Lawyer you have to read IT or investment banking]. This was the ultimate metrosexual man: successful, educated, sensitive, native at home, cosmopolitan outside. Why dont we revive this Gandhigiri: Easy to achieve, lot of aspirants, and under the current circumstances eminently do-able!
The second Gandhi: this is the Gandhi we know and believe in: lots of fad, indiosyncrasies, initially ridiculed. But showed an alternative way to "fight" and win a battle. The ultimate leader, communicator who more than anyone else deserved the title of Mahatma for his words and deeds. For me the greatest lesson of this man is just one: Complete and fully transparency in all public and private life. No one did it better than him and no one will. This is one lesson to be learnt from him. In his voluminous writing you will find him describing to his friend how to clear bowel movements at great length and of course, there is the ultimate admission of failure at abstinence!
This is a difficult ganshigiri to revive because this like the hindi movies is alomst like a make believe world - something that is good to hear and talk about but impossible to follow.
The Third Gandhi: No one knows and talks about. This is the most revolutionary time of his life and started probably from 1942 with the Quit India Movement. When for the first time, he did not call of a national movement just because it had turned violent. In fact his rallying cry was "do or die"! Who was this Gandhi? DO you know him? I do not think so. Let me introduce him with two incidents:
a) Interview with Louis Fisher circa 1945(?): Fisher: How will you redistribute the lands held by the zamindars to poor peasants after independence?
MG: The zamnindars will give their lands up voluntarily
LF: [laughs...] Do you really think so? What if they do not?
MG: We have other means?
LF: What other means? Would you resort to violence [to take the lands away]
MG: Yes, we will resort to violence if necessary
b) His suggestion that after independence the congress party should be dissolved since the purpsose behind its formation was to achieve independenc!

Can you revive this Gandhi? I would say please "do not try this at home". It's too hot for India Inc.

My take: At Noakhali {now in Bangladesh} in 1947 Gandhi single handedly stopped the riots [and probably saved many of my ancestors]. A feat which half of British Indian army could not achieve in Punjab.

That's what a real MAN is a real HERO. Of course, others are free to emulate him on the silver screen

Furore over Fart

Police is looking for a man in Poland who jumped bail after being arrested for insulting the head of the state. He did not have much respect for the President and his brother and when asked to apologise for his loose remarks about them, he farted loudly in the presence of police officers: at which he was arrested.

Real, funny and sardonic, isn't it?

Before the Victorian social norms cast its long shadow over much of the globe and colonised the minds and bodies of the colonised, bodily functions were a form of modeof protest against the high and the mighty especially in complex and hierarchical societies.

Earliest record of such modes of protest to my knowledge goes back to the late 17th century when the Jats apparently desecrated the tomb of Akbar protesting against the Mughal authority [desecreated in Victorian English means defacated]

Later, this was also adopted as a mode of protest by the plantation workers across the globe. In India, this urnating and defacating and plunging them into the burra sahib's bungalows was quite popular.

The practice can not be said to have died out totally. Growing up in Bihar in the 1980s I came to learn early that no one took punga with the Municipal "Bhangis/mehtars" and generously gave them Bakhshish whether they carried out their chores or not. The reason, you would not want a can of nightsoil emptied in from your door in the morning!

This seems to be a global phenomenon which seems to have outlived the Victorian diktats! Here goes an old Sudanese proverb: "When the great lord passes, the poor peasant bows deeply and loudly farts!

My take: Farting is a serious and real mechanism of venting grievances, Let a thousand farts ring!

Breaking News

When I was young I thought Ayodhya had the largest concentration of monkeys for historical and mythical reasons. Whe I grew older I realised it was my native town, when I came to Delhi as a young person, I had no doubt that north block was most monkey-dense place in the world (I do not intend any pun here, and mean the real monkeys). For the imbecile, North Block is the office block on nothern front of the Rashtrapathi Bhavan which has the offices of senior ministers and bureaucrats.

Going back to the issue of monkeys in my middle age now, I am very confused. I have travelled the length and breadth of the country and seen several concentration of monkeys in various parts of the country. I have also known with age that monkeys no longer come with long tails, there is an equally prevalent variant with two legs and no tail. In fact far more prevalent than the orignal version.

It was during the mental turmoil of locating the highest concentration of monkeys in India that I chanced upon my answer. It came in a flash, like Newton and the apple, or Archimides and the bath tub. It came one late night when I was surfing news channels in the mute. In a flash I had my answer. Since then I have been very happy to discover that television in India does provide unadulterated entertainment of the highest type.

If you still do not know what I mean, try watching news channel in the mute. You will be treated to the most unadulterated entertainment you have ever had.

My take: I am sure none of the Indian newscasters will be able to speak if you tied up their hands and held their heads steady at one point.

City of Shopkeepers

In a shocking incident a couple of days back, two kids were killed when police opened fire on an unruly gathering in east delhi which was protesting the sealing of shops. Police firing, 2 kids getting killed, government looking ham-handed, politicisation of shopkeepers protest: real good stuff for new hungry electronic media. Little doubt it hit the national prime time news in all channels with the rather sane and sober and efficient Chief Minister of Delhi defending her government's action. The take on national tv generally was why did the police fire, isnt the CM concerned that a 8 and a 16 year old boy were killed in the firing? Of couse she was concerned. Of course all of us were. But the footage also showed how mercilessly the mob had stone the policeman (I am no supporter of Delhi police, but it was clear that the policemen were beaten blue with stones). Also, none mentioned thought for a moment what a 8 and a 16 year old boy was doing in a shopkeepers' agitation? And more important, are our shopkeepers equally adept at hitting back at policeman as they are grabbing footpaths and fudging accounts? For the record, we had seen similar chaos in Delhi while the new CNG norms for public transport were being implemented by the government following a Supreme Court Order. For a few days things were chaotic but the government was strict [Supreme Court was sitting on their heads], and now I am proud to say Delhi has one of the least vehicular pollutions anywhere in India.
My take: Please save Delhi from becoming a city of shopkeepers.

Blog Shlog

Shlog is not a word in the english dictionary. Rhyming it with blog just make you look and feel COOL. Who does not want to be cool? There was a time, not so many years back, when people wanted to look hot. How things change!

Not to digress too much, I hear that Indian corporates are taking to blog like fist to water. Good news? No it is not good news to me personally! It feels like a large corporate is taing up the green spaces in Delhi and Mumbai. But then.. in this age of high capitalism, corporate involvement in blogs is a welcome step I guess.

But what is the charm that is bringing corporates to the "underbelly" of internet? I guess desire to connect with consumers. Corporates can not be driven by anything else! Of course, there is the added desire to create loyal communities around their product and services and a realtime feedback mechanism.

But I fear beyond these business motives, there would be OR could be a larger desire to create a knowledge community whose knowledge and IPR would be immediately avaialable to the corporates whose site you are blogging on.

This would be true especially of tech, pharma, design and other companies which suvives on ideas. And more alarmingly it is true in a country where people flout their "knowlegde" without bothering too much about who appropriates it. Also, in a country like India where there is a lot of local knowledge.

This is what looks slight frightful to me. We need to look closely at the blogging platforms that the corporates are building and must read the fine print that is there before we sign up.

But the good news is that internet being a democratic platform, everyone can share everyone's knowledge [without the narrow intention of appropriating and monetising it] AND more importanly, it means that Indian corporates are looking at Internet seriously.

But if they are looking at internet seriously, one of things that they could do to help internet penetration in the country is to open up inernet use in their offices, not put too many firewalls, not put too much restrictions on their staff on "productive surfing only". This would certianly give a boost to the number of people who actively use internet in India.

My take: Leave the green spaces on the internet for common use

Lage Raho Lalu Bhai

India's irrepresible Minsiter for Railways and former Chief Minister of the province of Bihar, known for his rustic humour and lifestyle (there were more cows in his bunglow in Patna (Capital of Bihar) than cars; honoured the formidable "manager making factory" - the Indian Institute of Management at Ahmedabad by speaking on the turnaround story of Indian Railways. There are quite a few of these "manager making" factories in India (I think 5 in all).
It is still doubtful if Mr Prasad was honoured at the opportuity or IIM (A) was honoured to have him as a Speaker. I think it was a bit of both.
This incident can be looked from various angles. Some of these are below:
1. The academic level of IIMs has come down so dramatically that Indian Railways (a paragon of failure) will soon become a case study. I think Mr Prasad should send all his senior officers to Mr Pathak who runs the cleanest public toilets in India (Sulabh Sauchalaya). For Indian Railways at time when most of the stations look, feel and smell like badly kept toilets, Mr Pathak is the right man for Mr Prasad to talk to. I think they come from the same state.

2. Railways have shown a good turn around. But none of that is because of Mr Prasad's efforts. This has been done by the previuos minister and some good officers (IRCTC is a good example of what a few officers can achieve). So why is he taking the credit? His only credit is to introduce Khullars (earthen cups) in the railways (which did not work).

3. The third take is Mr Prasad is "sanskritising" himself. That looks like a good explanation to me. Patna was different Delhi is different. And Mr Prasad knows how important it is to behave like romans in rome! In the company of such urbane and sophisticated colleagues such as Messers Sibal, Nath, Chidambaram, Patel, and others, Mr Prasad is speaking and acting Roman.

My take: Lalu was propagating the biggest management mantra at IIM (A): "Boss always takes the credit"[we will wait for Mr Prasad to talk about railway safety perhaps]

Corporate Culture

Someone called me to fix an appointment with her boss a few minutes back. She suggested 21st on the phone. I said just a moment let me check my diary. I opened my Outlook Calendar for 21st, it was a tabula rasa. I had nothing fixed for 21st. But rather than confessing to that, i played around for 3 minutes on the time slot - er morning is not good, i have a couple of meetings, not certianly evenings - i have internal meetings... and so on. Finally we fixed between 4-5.

I am sure all of you are are busier than I am, and I am sure you really do have to juggle with schedules and between who wants to meet you and whom you want to meet everyday.

But I am sure too that there is a load of attitude here as well. Are we really that busy? I think not. Then why does it take so much time and effort to fix a meeting?

I guess it has to do with two factors:

First of course, my image, brand value etc. If I am easily accessible to people, ergo I am not important. There is a very good hindi term for this Bhao Khana and this, I think permeats all level of corporate hiererchy in India [must be elsewhere, after all we are not that original and muct have copied it from the Brits or Americans].

Also, on rare occasions when we are really busy, it would be interesting to see what is keeping us busy. More often than not "we are busy with nothing". Monday morning always busy cant give time to anyone [actually every Sunday evening I get drunk so cant be in office in time]; Friday afternoon skip office early to be chill out at home: so no appointments; Thursday mornings: Boss takes stupid meetings, so cant go out of office. Wednesday lunch: office get toghther every week, need to be seen by bosses as a man of masses. So on and on and on.

If this is not enough, there is always the "solid" reason for travelling. Let us deconstruct travelling a bit with an example: Recently, I attended a conference sponsored by a big MNC brand [they had not role in the conference except to pay the money and get their brand ambassador to speak]. At the last count I spotted 6 senior executives from that company present at the confernce [all of them were travelling to the conference, and were not in their offices for the duration of the conference!]. My suggestion, please stop pretending to be busy,take a serious look at what is keeping you busy.

The second reason could be more objective and scientific: Conflict between who wants to meet me and whom I want to meet. There is always a mismatch, I would like to meet the CEO of the company to get busines while the marketing manager of the compamy wants to meet me to for a job. This is an old struggle and example can be multiplied ad infinitum. My sincere advice, find time to meet both and both of them may bring value to your business/life.

My Take: Stop basking in self importance. Your presence is not necessary, and what u can do for me many others can do too. I am just giving you an opportunity by seeking to meet you.

Bundled Software

Do not be alarmed, I do not intend to take on Microsoft with this post. I simply like microsoft and think by and large they are doing a good job and given some time they will do better.
This is about a much simpler thing really. Not so simple! But what the heck!

I am an avid late night TV watcher (programmes are more interesting as you will soon see why, there are no sas bahu serials at that time [bahus have all gone to sleep by then to be up early morning to make parathans for their adoring and diamond ring giving husbands]; and more importantly this is my sleep replacement therapy and thought time.

Since a few nights I have been watching a TV channel called Zee Music. It is an entertainment channel (the other two genre of channels in India being News and Serials, there is no fourth type [not incuding "phoren channels such as Discovery and NatGeo]. Zee Music is a reasonably good channel for entertainement [Movie clips, reviews, songs, all administered by skimpily clad hostesses [although you have to bear with Komal Nahata from time to time].

It was not one of the songs or one of the pretty hostesses which attracted my attention. It was Malaika Arora that drew my attention. I am yet to meet a man whose attention she does not draw!. But it was not her that drew my attention, really [I swear, i am telling you the truth].

Between the numerous songs and dances, there is an interesting filler called "Eye Candy". And you guessed it, it a all about Ms Arora, displaying her wealth [these clips runs for a few minutes showing her in the bath tub, or frolicking around in hotpants etc] Damned good and certainly more than just eye balls for the channel.

But even this did not attract my attention {I again swear I am telling you the truth}

So what did? OK here it is. Eye Candy showing Malaika Arora in various stages of undress. These clips also have a sponsor: a popular cocunut hair oil. Interesting business model to get fillers too sponsored. But what is even more interesting is that the model for this hair oil [and no prizes for guessing] is Malaika Arora.

Here at last is a marketing head who thinks [aslo envisons]

My take: This is what I called bundled software! Bill Gates Take Note, please,

Seriously Stupid

Let me be seriously stupid this time. I am tired of acting and being wise all the time.

Are you one of those who suffers from a modern afflication called mobile menace? if you are serioisly mentally challenged not to know what I mean, you do not need to or you are one of the lucky ones who does not own a mobile phone.

Coming to the point I am making, no a Sunday (or even a weekday) does not go by when I do not curse some of the biggest and shall i say the best businesses in India. And since I know many of these CEOs by name and reputation I curse them by name. The culprits are typically my mobile phone service provider (AirTel), ICICI Bank some insurance companies etc. My curse goes like this: My airtel subscription does not entitle Airtel to subject me to stupid calls (I am calling from Airtel, sir, do you want to change to post paid: My answer: Darling if you are calling from AirTel you should know I changed to post paid four months ago, then under my breath: Thanks for calling darling, please make the next call to Mr Sunil Mittal!). Exactly the same call and same response to ICICI credit cards (I have a card for a year[i had it just to get rid of such calls, but that did not help!], ending with under my breath: Thank you darling can you make the next call to Mr Kamath or one of those formidable ladies at ICICI.

Mind you I am a not for a minute averse to the idea of mobile marketing/selling. But it is the brainless way in which it is done which irks me. Seriously, i do not mind if a good marketeer calls me on Sunday afternoon and engages me cleverly [a good coversation is still at a premier in this country on the mobile or face2face]. But no, it has to be something stupid, or something I already have, or something i will never need.

Why cant we make it more intelligent. But how do we do it? If I knew the answer, I would probably be the CMO (that's chief marketing officer for you) at a large company. But what the heck, this is a blog and I am free to come up with any suggestions!

1. Please do some homework on the data that u have stolen or bought or some DSA offers you.

2. Do not go by the numbers (do not be impressed by me if I offer you 2Lakhs mobile numbers in Delhi and Mumbai (ask questions such as do you have a profile behind these numbers?

3. Reduce the numbers to one tenth (out of 2 lakhs pick up only 20K

4. Ask DSA to call each of these numbers and offer a 25 Rs top up if pre paid OR a 30 Rs download free (please stick to your promise) and then say Sir/ Madam: would you please listen to me and get this reward.

5. i am sure it would be more rewarding for both the seller and the consumer

6. Over a period of time you would be able to build up a database of people who would be anxiusly waiting for your call (to top up their accouts and pass on the good word about your products)

7. Please remember, just because I stay in Delhi does not mean I speak Hindi

Please do not steal my ideas, think something of your own.

My take: Most marketing heads do not think, they just follow other marketing heads

Bragging at BlogCamp

The recent blogcamp at Chennai turned out to be quite an exciting "unconference" that the organisers stylishly and shall I say rebelliously called it.

There was nothing rebellious about the blogcamp. To begin with it was very well organised, quite well structured, sponsored by big names such as Yahoo! India and Nokia (you cannot get more mainstream than that). More interestingly, "successful bloggers" elicited the loudest claps (as in a conference). Sunil Gavaskar was charming and not at all out of place in a place where I an under 40 thought mydself to be the oldest living being around!

Like elsewhere, the parallel track two was more interesting which was dedicated to the tools and rules of the game.

I was happy to observe some of the sharperst and keenest young and not so young minds in India are clearly dedicating some of their time (in this age when time is really money) and knowledge to a public good. Most of the participants, I found out held lucrative jobs or were students at premier institutions (one step away from lucrative jobs!).

My greatest discovery at the camp was however a book called India Smiles. Sulekha.com one of India's largest online properties ran an online contest on humourous stories, the best entries comprise this book. It is brilliant! there is no other word to describe. Each story is worth a read. The book is published by penguin and costs 135 rupees. Sadly, however, the book included in the "unconference kit" (there was also a delegate kit, if can not get more conferency than that!) reminded me of the still unchallenged power of the print media!

Let's have more of these camps!

My take: Who is a rebel? One who challenges a system to claim a his/her place in the system and then perpetrate it!

Mobile and Murder

I am comfortably seated in the Klipper Bar at the Mumbai airport. It would have been very comfortable if it was not a "dry day" on account of Visarjan of Ganesha. I will bear this inconvenience with a smile.

But just heard over the Star News someting that is a fitting epilogue to the earlier post!
What would you do if you suspected a fellow student of stealing your sister's mobile phone? Come now this is less sinster a design on your sister that a fellow footballer had on Zidane's sister, surely.

I guess most of us would (if we were strong enough) accost the suspected thief and sternly ask him to return the phone ..... otherwise.... . If we were a bit timid, we would complain to the teacher, if we were very shy but clever, we would run a quiet campaign in the school... if we were extra sensitive, we would blame our sister for being negligent with her phone!

Hold it, hold it! Did i forget to mention that you are only 14 years of age and in class eight. In which case some of the options that I mentioned may not be avialble to you.

Here is a serious sister loving, criminal hating kid... When he suspected his fellow student, mind you suspected, of pinching his sister's mobile what does he do? He kills the boy! Charming, isn't it?

So is there any doubt in your mind that by the time he is in college, he would be a potential successor to those who are currently accused of killing their professor in another part of India.

Yes, no prizes for guessing, this news is from the national capital of Delhi.

My suggestion:

Like MMR, Polio, etc. etc. are given to children at an early age to keep them alive from marauding viruses and bacteria; every children above 10 needs to compulsorily consult a shrink and his/her profile be maintained. This would make at least the parents aware of where they have gone right and where they have gone wrong and where to put that check. So that when your child on growing up kills, maims, rapes, you will not say "but he/she was not like that"!

Cut the crap, parents, invest time and not money on your kids and teach them to be good human beings.

Students' and Teachers!

Students have run amok in India or shall I say Bharat. One group even killing even a teacher. This was a serious incident. But the trouble over use of mobile phones, students ransacking a principal's residence, and other such incidents were all done in front of TV cameras. In fact one of the young female protestors in Chandigarh (over use of mobile phones) instead of getting arrested for disturbing public peace and other such late 19th century Acts, has been "spotted" by a filmmaker for his next big hit! Agitation, especially when u are a female students does make your career in a way colleages can not!.

Of course, for those who do not want to start their political career in the dusty badlands of Bihar and UP or the Bomb infested naxalite infested, or the poverty infested, or the communaly supercharged areas of the country (categories which cover most of the country), can start from the easier but more visible and comfortable bastions like Delhi University OR JNU. All it takes to make a political mark is Talking, socialising, taking people out for chai, fixing small problems of students and bunking classes. Of course, calling some political bosses for various political and non political dos at the innumerable Talk Shops of the university helps!

It also helps immensely if you are a female student. One reason why left parties have done so well historically in JNU is that because of their "progressive" nature they have been able to field a steady stream of female candidates. Of course the other parties of the right and the centre have already picked up this trait and the results are for all to see. I do not know why it helps to be a woman. But usually the practce is that just before the elections the woman candidate, appropriately accompanied by men compatriots are taken on rounds in all the men's hostels in DU and JNU. This seems to be doing the trick. Men apparently get bowled over just by the virtue of the fact that the candidate has come calling to his/their room! This in a country where people are not surprised to discover hundreds of female foetuses in a well one fine morning.

The lesson for the woman is that there is an entry barrier! If you are allowed to born and suffer for the first 20 years of your life, there are major benefits waiting. Not surprising, laws of scarcitiy starts to take effect! Before that, you have to withstand lound and silent violence!

Talking of violence, students' violence is nothing new to the world and no it did not begin in India during the so called naxalite period in Calcutta or during the JP movement in Bihar or as a fall out of mandal commission implementation.

Would you believe, it is well documented by Phillipe Aries, young school students in France in the 16th and 17th centuries came attended classes fully armed with swords etc? And history tells us that they did not hesitate to use these arms against fellow students as well as teachers!!!!

What about the teachers? Have been taught by some great ones. But...... suffice it to say that I donot know of any teacher who first commits social crime of offering private tuition at a cost (for teaching what s/he should have taught in school for the salary s/he gets) and then compounding the crime by committing the real criminal act of not paying taxes on the income which is ofen 5 times the salary.