Where do I belong?

I am a 42 and like all other clever 42 year olds, I was planning my retirement abode when I hit this problem. I like Nashik but can't live there since I am not a Maharastrian nor can I speak Marathi. I like Delhi, but can's speak Punjabi or Urdu nor am I a Punjabi, Haryanvi, Western UPite or Bihari who have traditionally laid claim to the city; I like Kolkata and West Bengal and can even speak the language; but the locals think I do not belong there since I have been an expat for two generations. Orissa and Assam are out because I would be identified as a Bengali there and I do not know the local language... Further north-east people will consider me as coming from India and therefore alien. Southern states too are out of the question, I will not be able to have any meaningful conversation there beyond sign language. Goa? Marathi's and RUssians are already fighting over it. Kashmir ideal by I am supposed to be a Hindu! Punjab no way, they are already chasing out anyone who smells of Bihar. Bihar? not a bad idea since I lived the first 16 years of my life there and my ancestors a few centuries from my mother's side. But Biharis always consider Bengalis as at best friendly aliens. So where do I go? Here is my profiile: I speak Hindi, Bengali and English; am a staunch secularist believing that religion does more mischief in human hands than good; I have lived 16 years in Bihar, 14 years in Delhi, 6 years outside India, 2 years in Mumbai and 4 years in Kolkata? It seems, India has no place for "Indians" -

Delhi Trafiic and Tata Salt

I just heard that the Delhi Police has launched an ambitious plan to ensure "free" flowing traffic all across the city well before the Commonwealth Games. Taking a cue from the old Tata Salt advertisement of free flowing salt, it has declared that well before the commonwealth games the traffic is Delhi will be flowing freely all across the city. On being contacted by yours truly the joint commissioner traffic patiently described the whole plan.
According to the JC {T}, just a humongous task can not be carried out by the police force alone, therfore the the Delhi Police for the first time has entered into MoUs with other Departments and like-minded agencies to partner. The first to sign was the Delhi Metro Rail Corporation and its chief vendor Gammon India. DMRC and Gammon being full of thoughtful people like engineers and MBAs have applied the Pareto principle to the issue [they learnt it it simply as the 80:20 rule]. They have agreed that they will take care of 20% of the city that controls 80 per cent of the traffic. Accordingly, they have blocked the main arterial roads and crossings across South Delhi with men and material and barricades and also caused a major accident on a critical road connecting Moolchand to Nehru Place. With astounding results.... traffic flows in all directions at the same time giving a new twist to the constitutional freedom "to travel freely in any part of the country". The DMRC spokesperson has assured that they would continue along similar lines for many years to come. Delhi Police JC {T} was happy at the way the partnership with DMRC was working out. The Municipal Commission of Delhi, not to be left behind, has joined hands and has made it clear that they too have a few tricks up their sleeves to make sure that the Delhi traffic continues to flow "freely". Asked to elaborate, the MCD Commissioner indulgently mentioned that the plan had been in place for years and comprised the following:
1. Allow pavements to be taken over by shopkeepers [unfortunately there are very few pavement dwellers in Delhi]
2. Give a free hand to civil contractors by never focing them to clean up after themselves and allowing them to pile up materials on the roads
3. Plan to build several flyovers and never complete them
4. Pass on advance information on road construction to telecom operators and Delhi Jal Board so that as soon as road are re-laid they can start digging.
The Commissioner looked surpised that your correspondent did not know these rules, especially since they had been a great success since the days of the Asian Games in 1982.
The JC {T} generously praised the MCD for its insight and the value it brought to the partnerships and criticised the New Delhi Municipal Corporation [NDMC] for its refusal to participate in the partnership faced with political pressure. A thoughtful NDMC Commissioner explained that all the politicians and bureaucrats lived in NDMC area and would never allow such "freedom", true to their ilk.
The most effective step to ensure free flow of traffic has however been taken by the lead partner Delhi Police. Taking a leaf out of the seminal work by Levitt and Dubner - Superfreakononmics, the JC{T} suggested that the solution to all complicated problems are really very simple. We have made sure that the traffic flows "freely" throughout the city by simply putting the traffic lights out of use. We have so far covered about 50 per cent of the city's traffic lights and we are sure that we will achieve 100% success with the traffic lights well before the commonwealth games.
Your correspondent also learnt from reliable sources that Delhi drivers true to their character have taken to this new approach like fish to water and are immensely enjoying their new found "freedom"... one of them, a recent arrival in the city from Jhajjhar {haryana}, quoted an ancient authority "the city air makes you free".

Poor, Their Lordships

For sometime now the RTI wallahs and the newspaper wallahs have been hell-bent upon forcing their lordships the High COurt and Supreme Court justices to reveal their assets - much like old directors harangue starlets to reveal their assets on screen.
After months of haranguing and harrassing their Lordships decided to give in. Perhaps not under pressure from the press or the RTI walas but under pressure from their own ilks. Once again it was the relatively new comers to the business, in this case newcomers to the high courts, who started this trend; exactly like in the movie business where the new comers are more eager to reveal their assets. It started with a smaller and newer lord in the karnataka high court folowed by another smaller lord at Chennai high court and then gradually the all their lordships decided to join the bandwagon. It was much like the movie indsutry where a relatively newcomer like Bipasa Basu starts revealing assets and everyone up the value chain right up to the top Madhuri Dixit [the then equivalent of the Chief Justice) has to reveal.
Oh what fun has it been to watch the terriers snap at the heels of their lordships forcing them to relent. But did something come out of it? Unlike in the movies, unfortunately nothing came out of it. As in much else that happens in India, it was like making a molehill out of a mountain... or its more apt hindi version Khoda Pahar Nikli Chuhiya.... Their lordships revealed that they had no assets worth revealing. The richest of them was worth around 40-50 lakhs slightly worse off than a shopkeeper in Sarojini Nagar.
It now transpires that their Lordships did not want to reveal their assets in the first place NOT because they wanted to hide their wealth, but because they wanted to hide their poverty. I think that is a fundamental right of all Indians and we should not deprive Lordships from that right.

Security Forces and Taj Mahal Hotel

Nah, I am not taking you back to that fateful day in November and write a rambling and critical note on the role of security forces on that fateful day. I am going to better than that and narrate two separate incidents. These are two separate incidents that seemed to be linked yet you cant pin-point the link.

The first incident happened at the terminal 1A of the Delhi Airport. As usual I was much ahead of time for the afternoon flight and approached the main entrance to the terminal at a leisurely space [1 oclock flights are always empty]. I had in my shirt pocket several A sheets neatly folded, these were various tickets etc. that one normally carries. I took out one A4 sheet and checked it an handed it over the to the CISF guard at the gate, he took 2 minutes to scrutinise it, asked for my photo id and fully satisfied let me go [I wonder where he was when someone flew on a ticket bought on my credit card for Kingfisher sometime back]. I walked confidently towards the check in counter, ut before that there was another CISF person double checking the tickets. Once again I fished into my pocket took out a A4 sheet and handed it over to hi. Once again he checked it for 2 mins reading all the details of Flight 887, matching the date, my name and much else. The he handed me back the ticket, smiled at me and let me pass. As I was folding the ticket to put it back in my pocket, I could not help but laugh out aloud. I could clearly read what the ticket said: Mumbai Central to Hazrat Nizamuddin AC1, 21 August. The ticket which let me through the second gate was my return train ticket for the next day! It came as a shock to me that the person who was inchage of checking tickets was not literate and he looked at all printed A4 sheets with some columns as a plane ticket.

The second incident happened the next day at Taj where the organisation I work for was holding a large confernce. With a view to getting some work done while listening to the speakers at the conference, I asked the ballroom incharge to provide me with a wireless password. He had no clue and promised to sent the "IT guy" across. The IT guy came soon and I requested for a password for a couple of hours. "Yes" he said and suggestively mentioned, "should I tell you the rates beforehand". I said Yes to that thinking to myself it cant surely be more than a couple of hunder rupees for an hour. To my shock I was told that the minimum charge was 2,500 Rs. I did not get the zeros wrong. I maintained my dignity and asked him if there was a lesser scheme. he said there is no scheme for ballroom. To which I sugested that I had booked the ballroom for the day and would up running a bill of at least 4 lakhs... does not that call for a scheme for me? No Sir, was the reply. I think since people have completely stopped hotel phones [remember those rip offs in the earlier era?], this is the new way some hotels are making money. What a sad commentary. If you want to make money out of internet charges why not start a chain of cyber cafes? why start a five star hotel?